Reality TV’s Real Purpose

It has been a political hot potato for as long as people have been having children.  How the hell do you deal with the rotten oiks when they don’t listen nor do a bloody thing anyone else says.  Whether you try to be a fun-loving parent or a hip, cool and stylish teacher chances are those in the 13-19 year-old bracket will think you’re as uncool as… well maybe that’s the point I’m trying to make, I can’t even suggest anything that is cool, because these rascals will throw it back in my face!  Even if you try to be cool in front of them, they’ll just stab you, take your wallet and spend your money on getting dreadlocks!

Anyway, the point I think I’m trying to make is that there is a solution to these riotous ruffians, and it is something that I think will entertain both sides of this regatta of controversy.  I think my proposition should be taken up by government and sold to the rest of the world, with me as the Simon Cowell of the mix… But from the outset though this should only involve those ungovernable, lawless, vicious, those ‘gosh-darn-it’, crooked types.  Those kind who have received a sentence from Her Majesty’s most finest, should be clapped in irons and be forced to compete.  Those who abide by the law of the land have nothing to fear… yet!

‘Big Brother’s National Conscription’, yes, that’s another reality TV show and instead of getting them to sit around in an over-sized bedroom complaining about how someone else has called them a ‘bitch’, they compete against one other in the same predicament by completing several tasks not too dissimilar from what the real army folk do. Shit…! as I write this though I have suddenly remembered that there was  something like this called ‘Bad Lads Dad’s Army,’ so I am obligated to update my idea… So, you know the Japanese movie Battle Royale? where a class of students are forced into killing each other off, well lets bring that to the TV executive table.  Come on, there are much worse things on TV these days than a reality TV show about juvenile delinquents whose head could be blown off at any second… who’s seen True Blood?

So how would it work? If they committed a crime they serve out their sentence on the TV show, which of course will be shown live on E4, 24 hours a day.  Rather than costing the taxpayer money to keep them inside a prison for their duration, money will come in for advertisers, (prisoners could be made to sell different products too as part of their punishment. A kleptomaniac would be made to sell padlocks; a murderer – life insurance etc ).  They will train like soldiers, be treated like soldiers, and at a time when military spending is being reduced, it won’t cut into the defence budget because the revenue will come from advertisers.  It will teach those involved practical and linguistic skills as well as team skills, structure etc, and if they still misbehave their head gets blown off.  This could be an end of season finale where two souls get to battle it out to have their record cleared.

There could be one or two downsides, like seeing your son’s head pop off at any moment, but at least he would have gone out doing what all teenagers want to do, being on television displaying no discernible talent whatsoever.  Morals reasons… meh, society has done far worse things, like allow  taxpayer money (not mine, I live abroad!) to go to the Queen’s 60th jubilee celebrations.

Will this work, you bet your arse it wouldn’t because Britain is a (fairly) liberal society that (apparently) deplores sadistic violence, though the number of viewers of Sky News seem to rise year-on-year (honestly), but it could make a good movie, any takers?

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Claim Car Insurance Will You? Think Again!

As any crash victim will tell you, the last thing to probably go through their mind when they smack teeth head first into a concrete pillar is not, “Oh I wonder what statistic I will be or where will I come on the government’s piteous list of death by dangerous driving,” or, “if I make it out alive how much ‘wonga’ could I snatch?”

Statistics for death and injuries on British roads have dropped by almost 75% since 1979. A total of 2,222 people were killed in 2010 on British roads, a 12% fall from the previous year.  No matter which way you look at it, death by driving is going down.

But what does this mean?  Are cars safer? Are people safer? Are we really taking more care of how we actually drive?  Are we becoming a nation of polite drivers who have become so embarrassed by road rage that it would be better to say ‘sorry’ rather than just mow down the imbecile who has decided to vex his pointless opinion at you?

I wish that was the answer, but alas it is not.  There are two reasons and one is a direct cause of the other.  You see people have become so roped into paying high premiums for their wretched car insurance that any little tap on the bonnet or scratch on the door could see one’s monthly direct debit rise to thousands and thousands of £’s.  People have generally become better drivers, but that hasn’t subsequently helped to drop the rates, in fact they have continued to rise.

If you watch daytime TV you are likely to have seen those cheap lawyer adverts hammering their way onto your screen offering each and every one of their services for a couple of quid, ‘no win, no fee,’ basically no help to anyone!  People in the UK today sue more than ever before, probably a consequence of the Americanisation of the British culture, and where can people sue the easiest? – On the roads, because it doesn’t take a Philadelphia lawyer to see when there is an opportunity to make a few extra bucks.

If someone has been put out for whatever reason they will usually seek some sort of justification.  In the 1700’s in the American West these were usually settled with a dwell, but nowadays people just get taken to court and ordered to pay compensation.

It doesn’t matter if no one was injured or if there wasn’t even an infinitesimal amount of damage on their shiny used Rover 200, people will sue for whatever reason, maybe because of loss of earnings because they had to take their car into the garage to get touched up alongside their wife’s fake tan, maybe because when they got home after being given the ‘all-clear’ they suddenly felt a tiny prick in their abdomen and thought that a new TV would do nicely.  Or maybe they were just nasty people who had nothing better to do than stir up a little fabrication to make someone’s life difficult.

So what can be done?  Well that’s easy.  If you do have the luck of driving into someone who is keen to get the lawyers involved, my advice would be to collide so hard that they send their skull straight into the dashboard causing them to forget the whole thing.  Or perhaps you should just take the bus!