U dont nd 2 b smrt 2 play fball

Footballers, arguably the most fortunate amongst us seem to struggle during interviews to construct meaningful sentences.  Footballers have never been known for their sharp wit or their ability to recite Hamlet, but why are they so dumb?

They get paid whopping amounts of money to play a game they clearly love for a few hours a week, plus if it happens to be a home fixture they get revered by over fifty-thousand cheering supporters.  They get endorsed by numerous brands which picture them as someone greater and more important than the average Joe Muggins in Primark.  And even a select few, if their whim so takes them, can sometimes shoot a lesser person with an air rifle.  They get all of this without having to worry too much about their education.  By the time they are a newly formed fetus dribbling in the womb they have already been signed by some or other team who will lovingly nurture them until they are ready to play.  It’s like some sort of communist worker camp where as soon as they are signed up they are indoctrinated by the teams ethos and brainwashed like the Manchurian Candidate.

Football is a short-lived profession, most players at the top of their game get ten years good service and then they are sent out to pasture or made into an expensive wallet.  If they are one of the unfortunate ones who don’t become luxury goods they can either get a job on one of the many TV stations that show live football or they are given ‘a column’ in one of the tabloids where they get paid to blabber on about who is the right player to massage Fabio Capello‘s corned feet, or which footballer’s wife John ‘I’ve had the same dreadful haircut since I was pre-pubescent’ Terry will sleep with this month.  Rarely, and I do mean rarely, is a footballer worth listening to.  Such ex-players as Gary Lineker who throughout his entire footballing career seemed to be made for television, or Eric Cantona, who if he had been born about fifty years earlier would rather be sat in a French cafe during the occupation discussing existentialism with John Paul Sartre.  These are the only two footballers who are allowed publicly to speak, the rest must all wait until they have been asked.

Maybe I am being to hard.  If you start to look at the goalkeepers, whenever they are being interviewed they are usually so much more articulate and comfortably understand the questions they are being asked.  Messieurs David James and David Seamen are good examples, clearly they’re not going to set your dinner party alight, but at least they don’t have problems getting their present continuous and present perfect mixed up and end up sounding like an audiobook stuck in a blender and you probably won’t have to cut up their food for them!  Goalkeepers are smarter because for the majority of the game they are not called on, so while the midfield are midfielding it and the strikers striking it further up the pitch, the goalkeeper can afford himself sometime to relax and read the newspaper or listen to his Radio 4 podcast.

Football is a beautiful game played by hooligans, to coin a phrase, but this is not necessarily true.  Football IS a beautiful game, but I’m afraid it is played by rather brainless souls.  Studies have shown that continued impact suffered by players through heading the ball significantly increases the amount of damage done to their noggin.  Over the years various scientific papers written that continued impact on the skull affects memory and planning as well as visual preceptors in the brain, and this is clearly demonstrable when footballers open their mouths to do interviews.  So stop doing interviews, stay out of the papers and just continue to not score for England!

Wayne Rooney is not Camera Shy!

Manchester United’s talented, but tainted Wayne ‘down the drain’ Rooney faces a two-game suspension for swearing into a camera and offending several parents and children who were at home watching West Ham v Man Utd.  In a game of passion he clearly had too much blood crawling through his veins, I mean how dare he say the F-word on TV, I don’t even have a clue what the F-word is!

After scoring from a penalty he gayly jumped up and down with his comrades celebrating a wonderful kick into a big net, all his friends were so happy with his kicking they joyfully rubbed their crotches up and down him.  He seemed to enjoy this, but then the big bad wolf suddenly spotted a camera pointed at him and in a fit of anger which is only associated with 3am on a Saturday night, he yelled ‘F*%k!’

Clearly too much has been made of this incident.  First and foremost ‘Rooooooney!‘ could be considered fairly skillful with a ball, in a kind of simple-minded kitten with a dead mouse situation, i.e. they have their skill, let them do their thing.  He is passionate about football we can all clearly this as he runs aimlessly around a football pitch for 90-minutes, but then again most footballers run aimlessly around the pitch because there is only one rotten ball and twenty-two people trying to dribble on it, I think they get paid to do this, though still unsure.

The real problem with this whole story is that every week we see footballers do far worse things on the pitch.  We see them spit their lungs out onto the turf, bringing up all manner of early life forms, actually that makes me feel nauseous just writing it.  We see them hug and jump and bounce on one another when they score and worse of all we see countless players diving and cheating their way through the game trying to get penalties and getting other player sent off.  This is far worse than any four-letter word.  And talking of four-letter words we can all clearly lip read anyway, we all see the players cursing and swearing when they shoot and miss, like they actually believe punting the ball as hard as they could would do anything but deflate it!  They then deliver a barrage of words that would more suited to a Scorsese movie or from a drunken salacious aunt, but viewers don’t get offended at that, why not?  Is it because you can’t hear it?  Well what about those 45,000 fans who continue to insinuate that the referee likes nothing more than to masturbate?  Surely they should be banned for two games as well, surely, no?  Is it because Wayne Rooney is in the public domain, well what about all the other people who swear on TV, Gordon Ramsey, yes? no? oh he works in a kitchen and chefs are stressed, well it’s stressful being a footballer I guess and especially for someone like Wayne whose limited and quite frankly struggling vocabulary can’t – find – the – right – words – to – say.  See it’s not easy.

I think the real reason why people didn’t like is because they saw someone showing their true emotion, someone whose fire was burning like a Japanese nuclear power station (perhaps too soon), someone whose rage was balancing on a knife-edge, someone who was letting go of that little voice inside and saying: “FUCK THE DAILY MAIL!”